3 weeks in therapy, how do I feel?

Just a little under 3 weeks since I started therapy, my take? I’m not sure if I’m getting closer to a mental state that’s balanced. I feel more overwhelmed by all the crazy jargons I’m hearing, and I feel like I have more problems than before I started! It takes work, and it takes a lot of mental strength to go through each and every thing in that “baggage” that we’ve accumulated throughout these years.

How my therapy works, I signed up to an app. I get one 45-min personal therapy session and I can go to group therapy sessions once a week. So while my personal therapist is constant, the group therapy sessions, I’m still exploring. I went for a self-compassion session and a managing change in relationship session.

In all these sessions I learn new things I need to work on. I need to work on forgiveness and not just to others but myself. I need to work on boundaries, setting healthy boundaries so that I can live a somewhat “stable” life. I also need to work on self-compassion. How do I treat me the way I would treat a friend?

Forgiveness is an interesting topic. Where should I start? How far behind do I go? Its like I’m digging into my past 38 years to find any moment in my life where I was traumatized or hurt. That’s A LOT of unearthing to do. It reliving a lot of memories. Let’s get into one. I remember the moment they drilled the last screw into dad’s coffin. I remember my sisters and mom crying so hard and instead of embracing them, I followed the coffin to the car. I didn’t stay in the moment to grief with my sisters. It hurts me till today. I don’t know why I did that. I always remember that moment with shame. Who do I forgive? How do I forgive this moment? I don’t even know what I did wrong but I just feel shame.

As trivial as this experience was, I have so many such memories inked into my mind that I’m unable to look back and be happy or contented with. It has been quite overwhelming and since I started therapy, I don’t feel better but I know it will, once I compartmentalise everything, for now, I need to sort each piece one by one and that’s going to be the hardest part.