A Personal Journal Entry: How Are You, Wen?

When I embarked on this sabbatical, I had a couple of questions prepared for myself that I wanted answers to. I’ve given up asking God for these answers because, in my experience, I have found that it is something I have to discover on my own. Over the years, I’ve peeled the layers one by one, revealing the raw, vulnerable bits of me I didn’t even know needed unearthing.

I’m tearing up as I write this, but I know that this is the process, the flow it takes to get to the bottom of some of these aching questions. My boyfriend has reminded me that I can write down the questions all I want, but if I don’t take my time to really reflect, to walk through them, I won’t have my answers. So today, as I fika and walked and pondered, my question for me today was “How Are You, Wen?”

Months leading up to this holiday, I’ve been diligently going for meditation, yoga, pilates, hikes, and all that I could, given the time that I have to “feel” better. I can’t quite seem to understand what it is in my life that I’m so unhappy about. I love my job, I love my friends, I have a community, I have a great family who loves me, I have a team I am proud of, and my company is doing fairly well, yet something doesn’t sit right within me. Is this shame? Forgiveness? Some insecurity? Is this stress? Regret? Some trauma that I have yet to resolve?

Have I not been grateful? No. I am always counting my blessings. What do I want? I don’t have a specific want I could think of that needs to be resolved. I’ve never particularly cared or craved any physical things; my drive comes from my want to achieve. Do I feel like I have underachieved? Sure, I could do better, but I’m not beating myself up over it either. Have I done anything that goes against my core values? No. I’ve been honest with myself and have been living my truth. I have read and discerned many self-help books that I could. So, I’m puzzled. Why is it that when I asked myself so truthfully, “How are you, Wen?” I am still greeted with such pain?

Pain is inevitable, and after the tears, comes the numbness. A faint smile is all I could muster. Am I at peace? Is this peace? Am I at the acceptance stage of my being? I don’t have a conclusion; I don’t have a “value” to provide today. No 5 steps to attain happiness.

So, How are you, Wen? I am OK, and this is what OK looks like, and I guess I’m OK with this. As I gather myself to leave this cafe, I shall live on, as best I can, with a constant search and an unending pursuit of my purpose and destiny in this world. That’s all I can do after all.