My Date with the Question: What Is My Purpose?

This is a question that has haunted me my entire adulthood. I know the use of the word “haunted” sounds quite strong, but it is like a recurring nightmare at every phase of my adulthood.

Before I delve into the answer, which I think I have found (YAY!), I want to share why this question is so important to me. My childhood and teenage years were extremely difficult for me. Having dealt time and time again with separation—either by death or choice—betrayal, and the complexities of friendships, heartbreaks, and a lack of a proper support system, I was in pain a lot. I guess this pursuit of purpose was an excuse I gave myself to justify such an unfair childhood. After all, there must be a reason for my suffering, a bigger picture; otherwise, why did I have to endure such a harsh life? That was how I justified it to myself, that I must be destined for something great. Maybe pride, ego, or maybe a coping mechanism?

“…giving value to one’s own suffering gilds it with the golden sun of pride. Great suffering can give us the illusion of being Pain’s Chosen One” - The book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa.

So, on my date with this question, while I stood there at the center of the Danube River, between Buda and Pest, on the stunning Chain Bridge, as the sun sets, an answer came to me. Maybe my purpose is to use this lifetime to find my purpose. Maybe that pursuit is the very purpose of my being? I know it’s not a golden answer, a straightforward “US$1 billion,” or some magical intrinsic something, but I felt very at peace with this.

While I do not have a direct answer, I feel that through reflection, over the years, I have had the opportunity to feel very fulfilled whether in my career, love life, or community. I feel that even though the answer is indirect, I am not like I was years ago, anxious for the answer “right now.”

I went back home to Peter’s house, where his dogs embraced me like I was the best thing that they’ve seen all day. I felt like the luckiest person in the world.

We had a great meal, homemade by Peter’s mom: carbonara and tiramisu cake. I found much comfort in the simplicity of the day, and when we spoke about my date, he gave me some fresh perspectives. It feels like a multiple date situation now.

The next questions were:

1. What happens if you don’t have/find this purpose?
2. What if your purpose, my purpose, and everyone else’s purpose were the same? Would you be OK with that?

I guess I’ll go on my second date soon.